I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
