My friends, they love my intelligence
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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