Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
