Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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