Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
