I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
