She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
