My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
