the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
