Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
