yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
