put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
no, he came in my armpit
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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