she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
