Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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