my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
