I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
