I'm eating all of the evidence.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
