Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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