Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
it's like iHOP with fire
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
