Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize