i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
