my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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