i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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