Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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