my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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