I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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