he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
honey bunches of taint.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
