FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
