woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
