Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
