We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
