I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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