I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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