there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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