I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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