I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
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Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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