The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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