You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
