i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
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Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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