All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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