After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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