I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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