the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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