I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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