No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
we should paint friendship bongs
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