There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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