Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
