Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
