If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
