he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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