my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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