I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
