forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
