You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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