: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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