I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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